1 – It was me, I let the dogs out.
2 – Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through.
3 – People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
4 – Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
5 – I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
6 – Today is one of those days when even my coffee needs a coffee.
7 – I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
8 – An apple a day keeps anyone anyway if you throw it hard enough.
9 – I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.
10 – Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
11 – I think something’s missing in my life. Like four or five million dollars.
12 – You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.
13 – I once had a job in an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
14 – I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
15 – Dear life, when I said “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
16 – I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure!
17 – Don’t mess with me; I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
18 – I was going to take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
19 – That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they’ve repeated it about five times.
20 – I remember years ago when all I wanted to do is be older. I was wrong.
21 – During his summer recess, Santa has been viewing your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.
